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Me and the rest of the monk brother hood
My abbey and church is found in the grounds of hertfordshire where myself and the monkbrothers pray for the necessities of things such as fridges, ovens, cookers, microwaves and occasionally the odd can opener. (For Lassie although her food does come in handy when we are fasting in the monkly tradition, or just for a pure treat)
I play the triangle in my band, we are called Oops, The Monk Brothers Are Here Again. I also have a pet (apart form Lassie) its a toy i got from McDonalds in America where i met the wonderful Fr Knicker. It was a little snake and I call him burger, he reminds me of Fr Brian because they both came from a tomato loving place. Father Brian's mother used to own a tomato factory where they made mushy peas look like tomatoes in order to make the poor children eat them. She was a strong believer in the 5 portions of fruits and vegetables a day where as I would eat twice that amount when i was their age and that was when I was fed by a goat.
I have always mantained that i was brought up like Mowgli from the Jungle Book and have strived to achieve his perfect weight shape. I had my hair cut in a Mowgli style but i couldnt fit into his trunks.
Speaking of trunks elephants never forget thats why i think i am a bit like an elephant/Mowgli becuase I have jungle instincts. Sometimes i refuse to take off my eyepatch because Mowgli wouldnt. Some people like to argue like Mowgli never wore an eyepatch. i like to hit them in the monkbrother fashion.
My Mother
I know I have already dedicated an earlier space to her but my Mam was such a great and beautiful woman that just one sentence is not enough. I know this is what she would have wanted me to have done so here is a brief story of her life.
Born in 1937 she went to a fat camp at the tender age of 3 when her parents realised that she could not walk since her legs couldnt support her weight. She was fed on gruel and wasn't allowed pork pies anymore until she was 10. This strict diet regime left her with an obsessive affinity for Oliver Twist. it came to be the norm that on every Tuesday morning she would partake in the activity of dressing up as Fagin and re-enacting the scene where he sings "I think I better think it out again"
My grandmamamamaa told me this because I had the respnsibility of looking after her for my grandmamamamaa was getting old. She thought i should know this for my own safety. She also told a very (what proved to be) invaluable piece of which was to stay away form the landing at nighttime for Mam was known to have sleptwalked and a loss of her balance could be fatal to the poor unsuspecting victim.
She threatened me with a gun when i refused to play the part of Oliver, she then began to say "You were never much of a son because Oliver was a skinny mule and you my boy are a fat cow."
Then she decided to go into sumo wrestling for it was the only sport she was good at. She could overpower her opponent with a mere lift of an arm. Her diet of pork pie and beans had paid off but she only bought home a measly £3 a week beacuse women sumo wrestlers were not accepted in the Hindu faith. This is another reason why i became a Catholic monk.
She later died from poisoned gas but I love the way she used to make her baked beans in that huge pan, and even when she couldnt she held each bean in her bare hand and cooked them over the fire for me.
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